Escaped from the Crazy Farm?

less_than_sane @ 2009-12-10T21:45:00

2009-12-11T03:45:56Z

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a mog.

less_than_sane @ 2009-10-03T00:28:00

2009-10-03T05:29:08Z

Penned by a Retail Monkey

2009-08-23T05:44:38Z

Top Ten Tips for Customers

10. Keep change in pocket. I understand what it means to be strapped for cash, but most of us know the ballpark price of the things we want. Why come into a store with barely enough when you could have just enough? Isn't it embarrassing to run out to your car for the last 60 cents of a $4 purchase? Broke people shouldn't sneer at dimes and pennies. And you shouldn't think that the rest of us aren't broke enough to relate -- if you can't pay the FULL AMOUNT, you don't need a GPS. You need a good change purse.

9. Don't ask your kids about everything. Not everyone is tech savvy and I get that. But just because your twelve year old can play X-Box, that doesn't make him an expert on how to wire your home theater system.

8. Don't ask me if you aren't going to listen. I'm a sales person, not your ninth grade algebra teacher. I can tell you how to hook something up, I can tell you if it's going to work, I can tell you my opinion on quality and price. I can't drive home and prove to you that it will work in your house. And I can't make you buy the right thing. Don't waste my time if you're going to do the opposite of everything I say. I could be helping other people.

7. People in retail are too tired to visualize. If you can't describe it, we can't help you. We aren't opposed to charades, but keep in mind that the help you receive is only as good as the questions you ask.

6. Service plans or warranties have rules and limitations. And no, you can't make up your own for the fifty dollars you're spending. Know what you're buying or you'll just make yourself look like a major douchebag when you cry over the disappearance of your own imaginary terms of service.

5. A mismarked price is not always false-advertising. Unless it is used to get you into something you don't want to be in, it's not illegal. Don't try to showcase your knowledge of law you haven't actually studied. If I told you a GPS was $99 to get you in the door and then you came in and found out it was actually $300...that's false advertising. If you find a pair of headphones on a peg that is clearly marked "screen protectors" and ask for that price...that just means you a) can't tell the difference between headphones and thin squares of plastic or b) you can't read. Either option is embarrassing. And yes, sales associates do laugh at you behind your back.

4. Don't assume all stores have public restrooms. Companies supply bathrooms for employees because they trap us in their building all day to be slaves. We need to excrete and they don't want it done on the floor. Don't be offended when we won't let you use one of the few luxuries provided to us. Small stores don't have janitors to clean up after you, so we don't have bathrooms you can use. It's unfortunate that most of the time you're inconsiderate beings who like to clog our toilets and leave pee and poop on our toilet seats and floors that WE have to clean up. We wish it weren't so, but... relieve yourself ahead of time.

3. Always hand the cashier your form of payment. Throwing money on the counter, tossing your card by the register, laying quarters down and making someone pick up your payment wreckage is impolite. It's also seen as degrading. We aren't your hired help. Retail workers might not have any food of yours to spit in, but we will be less likely to give good advice, phone numbers or speedy service. In fact, we might even point you in the wrong direction just to fuck with your day. These things might seem small to you until Black Friday. Or Christmas Eve. Have fun waiting in line and driving all over town.

2. Nothing is free. And if it is, it's only to get something else out of you. Free cellphones require you to sign a two year contract. This is true wherever you go. Cellphone companies don't give a shit about you, they just want to know you'll pay them on a monthly basis for the rest of your life. We explain this to you, even when our companies try to keep it secret with their pretty red and white signs. There is never a pure good deal.

1. Read. Read your contracts. Read your receipt. Read the return policy we mention to you in passing. Read the lighted sign at the register that says EXPRESS. Read the sales ad. Read the hours sign posted at the window. Read the tags on what you buy. People in retail go out of their way to give you as much information (however flashy and misleading it sometimes is) as possible. We explain, we write it down, we lecture you constantly on the nature of our world. And we smile through all of it. Yet you never do the homework and you get angry at us because you learn nothing. We want to have faith in the consumer, we want to believe you really are intelligent and kind and respectful people raised in an educated democratic society. So read. Help us see you aren't the soulless day killers that we dread. And maybe, MAYBE... we can finally help you.

Have a nice day.

less_than_sane @ 2009-08-08T00:21:00

2009-08-08T05:45:54Z

I'm exhausted. Not in the physical way or the emotional way or any kind of way but the way that makes me incapable of a real, honest thought. The way that has me home at 9:30PM with the motivation to do nothing but watch animal reality tv shows or lay in bed with my eyes shut even though I can't sleep just yet. I'm the kind of tired that requires darkness but at the same time can't shut off the light. I can't choose anything either. God. I can't make a coherent decision without it being some life shattering moment. Sometimes I think if Bryce asks me what I want for dinner again, I might cry. Or give up and lay myself out in the middle of the grocery store's main aisle to accept an inglorious death at the hands of a shopping cart. Anything would be better than admitting that I really don't have any thought there. Me, the supposed creative writer. What a joke. Ha. Ha ha ha. Even if our brains were our lower intestines and I drank all the bowel relaxer in the world, I couldn't shit verse. I feel like an idiot sometimes. Or a depressed washout or an absent-minded bag lady. It's really hard to describe without giving people cause to think I'm even crazier than I am. Or think I am. Or...

Whatever.

Maybe I should blame work. Or my diet. Or the fact that I haven't really done anything for myself in a while. I don't have time, I think. That's a lie. I could probably make time if I tried hard enough not to sleep whenever I had the chance. What do I do with my time anyway? Or I think...conference call at 8:00 on Tuesday. I have to do paperwork and my cage count and my store needs to be perfect (again) before Friday. And why on earth do I get so touchy about people speaking poorly for the company I work for when I don't even really like the company I work for? I don't know. I really don't know. I do know that I have to do my laundry and that I've been saying that for at least two months now (at least). I can't keep doing it in pieces because then I will never put the closet back together again. Not that it really matters because I've completely and utterly failed at keeping it together like I promised myself I would when I got here. Sometimes I think I should just burn all of my clothes and start over. Then I remember that I need money, which is another train of thought entirely.

You know, the worst part of it is I'm not unhappy. I don't feel unhappy. I just feel stressed. And blocked. I feel unstable. I feel like everything can just evaporate in an instant and all the sudden nothing would matter at all. I hate that feeling...you know where you think you could actually get away with disappearing? Okay, so I'm unhappy. I feel like an ass for saying that though. A whiny ass. I should be happy all of the time. I have a job. I have a place to stay. I have family (that I don't bother to keep in contact with...another train of thought as well). And I live with someone I love very much. It should be enough for me and I should be able to sit down and write whatever the hell I want. Or do my fucking laundry. Or reorganize the books on my shelf. Why can't I do that? Why can't I just...do it. Like a normal person would. I could before.

Ugh. I hate August. And I hate angsty free writes. I can't stop the former so I'll stop the latter. Thank you.

less_than_sane @ 2009-07-18T21:45:00

2009-07-19T03:00:19Z

I am not a screen,
my readings do not compute
to a logical result.
I am not a fighter,
pain is not my motivator
nor is high reward.
I am not a crane,
picking up where I left off
is not so easy.
I am not a recording,
recitations and propaganda
make my tongue stumble.
I am not a mannequin,
when light shines on me
there is no eternal smile.
I am not a chisel,
tapping me against rock
will not yield a beautiful thing.
I am not a river,
being held and being still
are all I seek from some days.
I am not a hermit,
solitude is only the tool used
to fit a mask back in place.
I am not a child,
my heart and mind can rebel
even when I follow command.
I am silent
when I should speak,
when I should yell,
when I should sing
and I wish I could say
all of these things.

less_than_sane @ 2009-01-31T17:20:00

2009-01-31T22:27:40Z

I saw the most awesome SUV earlier today. It was all black and had lines on it like police car. I thought it WAS a police car until I got close to it. On the back there was a zombie chasing a mother and child and the text "Zombie Assault Preparedness Vehicle".

It was the most awesome thing I'd seen all day.

To Do

2009-01-30T17:44:02Z

Phone Calls:

-> ~~Allstate~~
-> Radioshack District Manager
-> Grandma

Research:

-> Registering a car in Texas
-> Getting Texas license
-> Nissan service locations
-> Read Enterprise's business site

Errands/Chores:

-> Nails
-> ~~Clean out trash in room, dust~~
-> ~~Pack remaining clothes~~
-> Pack electronics
-> ~~Clean car~~
-> ~~Load up packed stuff~~
-> ~~Donate old clothes~~
-> ~~Grocery shopping~~
-> ~~Change address on all loans~~
-> ~~Get maps tabbed and print directions~~
-> ~~Pull all money from health savings~~
-> ~~Deposit bonus check~~

Other:

-> Figure out video chat w/Katy
-> ~~Mess up mom's hair as much as possible~~
-> Get pictures of the kids
-> Get bourbon ball recipe for Caela

Twenty-Five Random Facts

2009-01-30T05:08:08Z

I saw this on a friend's page on Facebook. Feel free to do it yourselves!

1. Whenever I'm super sick, all the blood goes out of my fingers and they become finger-cicles.
2. My first personal pets were fish. They were tiny and glowed in the dark.
3. I love canoes.
4. My favorite birthday cake is vanilla cake with vanilla icing and coconut. Mmmm.
5. I like singing in the car. With the windows down.
6. I only have performance anxiety when playing the French Horn.
7. Browns and reds are my favorite clothing colors.
8. The most vivid dreams I have are often violent nightmares, but occasionally include dead people/animals I knew.
9. I think my bedroom is haunted because my jewelry box door sometimes opens by itself.
10. Softball was my favorite sport because of the insulting cheers we did while other teams were at bat.
11. Sarcasm is my most beloved past time. It also gets me into a lot of trouble.
12. I am prone to passing out because when I get stressed my blood pressure drops.
13. I love pickles on every sandwich but PB&J.
14. Rollercoasters are not fun for me because they make my legs feel funny. And they're scary.
15. When I was a kid, I was always thinking up schemes to make money because I wanted to buy a shed and live in the woods.
16. I love decorating and organizing for other people's parties.
17. I have a shot glass collection but I've never been drunk.
18. Frank Sinatra's songs are best in the spring to me. '
19. I'm afraid of being forgotten or becoming a ghost.
20. I want to get into baking more and cupcake decorating. And maybe candy making.
21. My mom thinks I was able to read at a very young age because she read to us all the time.
22. I like going to rock concerts because I enjoy feeling the music reverberate in my chest when I'm in the crowd.
23. When I lived in Florida, I used to pray that God freeze the ocean and give us snow. I stayed up all Christmas Eve one year to see if He'd do it.
24. I love kitties because I like observing their personalities. I think cats have old souls.
25. I was a girl scout until my sophomore year of high school. I was a cadet. It was fun while it lasted.

Because I love random things...

2009-01-04T01:08:51Z

2009

2009-01-03T06:00:21Z

I don't like to review my year; it feels like I'm trying to re-live things I either only half-remember or wish I could forget. There are probably millions, perhaps billions, of livejournal posts and blogs and facebook one-liners describing the baggage that people are tugging over the line to 2009. These are the same people bouncing around cyberspace singing about "change" or their awesome new lives or how everything is going to be so much better because they scribble down '09 now on their checks, rather than that blah of '08. Well I will not be one of them. I defy the violent urge to write paragraphs of hokey hopes and weepy garbage that I'd sooner burn than read aloud to anyone. Why look back when there are twelve shiny months waiting to be filled in? Why ask why things happened when I can focus on how to make things happen now?

The truth is, I've spent most of my life analyzing my life. When I fuck up, I remember in detail why I fucked up and why I shouldn't have fucked up. When I do something great it energizes me even years later, but makes me wonder why I'm not that awesome in the present. The big events in my life stick to my memory stronger than any super glue or any binding duct tape can provide. So when it comes to the New Year, I treat Time as I treated high school. Or college. Get me the hell out. I'm ready to do something new.

The more I dwell in what was or could have been, the more I weigh myself down. There is no way any soul can bound across this earth if its heavy enough to make an elephant feel insignificant. I'll honor the past and then get it out of my way. If 2009 is such a great thing, then I'll embrace it for what it is: a year not yet lived. I won't predict, won't plan and won't worry. After all, I get another crack at a blank slate in twelve months.

Thank you, beautiful calendar of chance!

less_than_sane @ 2008-12-27T18:09:00

2008-12-27T23:09:43Z

Do you ever feel like you're not stressed, but secretly are?

haha

2008-12-23T04:56:22Z

less_than_sane @ 2008-12-22T20:39:00

2008-12-23T01:40:27Z

Christmas cards are coming late this year, but they are coming! I couldn't help stuffing extra goodies in the envelope...so it's a bit more costly.

Hee.

memeage

2008-12-15T04:41:16Z

I decided that I need more happy entries after doing this...

The First Line of First Entries Meme 2008
(got it from liangzhu)

January: Father went to college.
February: A MONTH AND FIVE DAYS TIL SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March: I am going to quit my job.
April: This is one of my favorite butterfly pics that I took on my trip to Seattle.
May: I pick the worst times to think.
June: I think I need another vacation, even though I can't afford one.
July: I don't know where it's coming from any more, but at least it’s coming!
August: I have so many poetry books to read in what feels to be little time.
September: counting tracks down along
old forest trails over-grown
with poisonous leaves
October: I am impossibly retarded at keeping things together.
November: I guess I have been out of touch lately and for that, my online friends, I apologize.
December: This year I've been busy!

less_than_sane @ 2008-12-04T20:51:00

2008-12-05T01:53:20Z

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Tuesday I pulled faeness's hair (-5 points). In October I broke pixle's X-Box (-12 points). In July on a flight to Colorado Springs, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In September I farted in an elevator (-6 points). Last week I committed genocide... Sorry about that, lucentstreak (-5000 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-5063 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal!

Sincerely,
less-than-sane

HEY YOU PEOPLE

2008-11-29T04:35:33Z

GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS SO I CAN SEND YOU AWESOME CHRISTMAS CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments are screened.

less_than_sane @ 2008-11-13T20:15:00

2008-11-14T01:34:47Z

I guess I have been out of touch lately and for that, my online friends, I apologize. I've had a lot going on since I got my personal time back from Halloween-land. November is half gone and I don't know where it went. I never thought there would be a time when I wasn't on a computer for at least six hours a day. Is it weird that I feel less socially active for it? I'm only writing for one group over at Insanejournal now and that feels like a lot of work. There was a time where I'd be involved in ten or fifteen. Of course, back then I didn't have a full-time job...

Anyway. There has been a lot going on. I'm going to Texas on Saturday (yay!) and I'll be there through Wednesday of next week. The week after that is Thanksgiving, which means I will be cleaning/cooking a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. Plus working. And then we're into December, which means Christmas. I have cookie baking, card writing and present-buying to do. My budget is unfortunately limited this year, so I think I will only be sending cards. It's sad, but true. Maybe I will send out crazy favors to my buddies next year.

I've also been trying to write poetry and read it again. Kick starting my reading habits has been harder than I thought it would be, but I think I'll be good again by the start of December. I also want to start listening to my poetry recordings again and maybe start recording myself, but I think starting small is a good thing.

On top of all the usual craziness that ensues after recovering from October, I am reworking my resume and clearing out my room. My mom would LOVE to help me, just because she loves throwing things away. But I don't think I need to drop the mom-bomb on my personal stuff yet. I'm doing okay so far on my own. I'm moving at the end of January/beginning of February, so I've been trying to get ready for that to make the transition as painless as possible. I figure the less crap I have, the better. That includes job issues. Finding a new job is always a fun experience, especially in a bad economy, but if worse comes to worse...Party City loves me.

-.-

Speaking of which, I have to skip out. I'm at work now. I'll try to write more in here later. Or tomorrow. I guess it all depends on how much I feel like procrastinating.

less_than_sane @ 2008-10-16T15:05:00

2008-10-16T19:04:44Z

If I didn't think McCain was a jerk before, I sure do now! Thank you final debate for solving any doubts.

In October...

2008-10-13T06:32:37Z

I am impossibly retarded at keeping things together. Right now I have no voice; I had to squander what sounds my throat could bear making on directing employees on Saturday. Yelling while having a sore throat is not the greatest idea, but it's hard to manage when you're a mute. Especially when your staff is teenagers. Anyway, my voice died and now I can't even get out the scratchy man voice I had going. I'm more annoyed than in pain; I guess that should be a blessing. I could have gotten the flu or strep throat. I just never realized how difficult it was not to be able to talk...

But to get back on track, everything is a mess. I have only one pair of clean jeans. When I wake up in the morning I forget to do important things. Like brush my hair. Or shower, which I've taken to doing at night now to help me go to sleep. And so I won't forget in the morning. Putting on deodorant was another thing I failed to do. Ew. Yeah. I had to buy some powder fresh stuff on one of my lunch breaks -- which are also one of the main reasons why my finances are stuck in the shitter. If I could make my lunch everyday I'd be rolling in money. Instead I eat out all the time. I want to wake up early, but the snooze button is too attractive and I can't resist. So I roll out of bed, get dressed and go to work day after day after day... While I am not a complete zombie yet, I've been working 12-14 hour days, six days a week. It's slowly caught up to me. There's very little I can think about beyond missing the person I'm in love with and looking around at my surroundings, horrified that I've let myself come to this so easily. Even my bed is cluttered. And when my life isn't assembled on my bed it's dumped on the floor beside it until the next day. I slept with my writing journal last night and no, it was not as hot as it sounds. I'm just glad I have a moleskin and not that hardback thing I wrote in three months ago.

I know I work hard and think deep thoughts and I'm generally a responsible person. I just feel ashamed that I can't keep it together. Jamie, my sister in law, has two kids, a job and manages to go to nursing school. She doesn't have a messy living space. I have a job that's it. Oh, and excuses.

I hope I can clean tomorrow, but it's more likely I'll just sleep in. Tomorrow is the last day of freedom before I live and breathe my job for two (close to three) weeks straight.

To Live in an Unfriendly Land

2008-09-22T01:35:23Z

This Sunday it was my task to do approximately ten loads of laundry. I have gone for about three weeks without doing any laundry at all, which is a testament to just how many clothes I've accumulated in the past seven years. My father, frustrated by the state of our laundry room and needing a scapegoat, woke me up at 8 AM this morning to tell me if I didn't do my laundry today, he'd throw away all of the clothes in my baskets downstairs. This might have been a good thing, not only because I should really get rid of about forty-five percent of my clothing, but because it would give me a legitimate excuse to blow my money on new clothing which I so often buy with no excuse at all.

To be fair to myself, not all of the laundry in that laundry room belongs to me. In fact, most of it belongs to my sister who so often stuffs her dirty laundry in with mine to get out of doing her own work. The majority of my dirty clothes are packed up in a large basket in the corner of my room and I doubt I will get to touch that particular mountain today. I guess you could say it is unfortunate that I have the most obviously large wardrobe, since it draws the most attention. I think that the rest of my family is jealous of its size, benefits and that it's allowed me to successfully duck out of "laundry day" for so long.

One of the things I most hate about washing my clothes is being in the basement. Our house was built over a large underground spring, which is one of the reasons we can't plant any trees in our yard--just below the soil that the grass grows on there are layers of rock. My mom used to talk about sink holes, especially after a person-sized bog appeared in our backyard, but she's been blase about it in recent years. The underground spring gives our yard a lot of moisture and coupled with the ditch at the end of our property, it is a grand attraction for local crickets, beetles and other strange bugs. As a result, wolf spiders like to hang out at our house and eat those bugs. Insects can most easily access the basement and during the time between August and September there is a cricket invasion. Or, as we like to call it now, a spricket invasion.

Having become accustomed to screaming and fleeing from both crickets and wolf spiders alike, my mom and I were puzzled when a seemingly new threat appeared. At first we thought they were huge, jumping wolf spiders. Then my sister theorized that the spiders and crickets had finally made an alliance against us and breeded super-terrorbugs. This hybrid bug was dubbed the "spricket". I would later learn that these were actually cave crickets, which likely came up from the mysterious underground spring that sits underneath my house. The discovery didn't bring relief, however. I still creep through the lowest level of my house with a wary eye and rarely walk down there in early fall without a pair of shoes on. It isn't until my dad finally sprays the perimeter of the house and basement that it's safe to go barefoot again.

I am at the point now where I no longer have to fear a live threat. When I go down to the basement, I find only cricket carcasses and wounded crickets with three legs. The cats like to tear off a cricket's legs and bat it around to watch it hop in circles. When the cats finally get bored, they leave the cricket to die. The half-lit basement is a perfect graveyard. It's cold, damp and smells like moss. All the basement needs is mist and headstones. I often navigate with care to avoid the crunch of a brittle cricket body beneath my heel. The crickets' shiny black heads aren't too difficult to see against the tan carpet and I rarely end up with a mess on my foot.

Usually I don't think twice about walking past the crickets, but today I felt sorry for the deceased hopping horrors. They didn't have a good life after they settled in the basement of our home. Even if they wanted to get out, the poison my dad put down wouldn't let them escape. The carpet is desert colored and the wood panel walls are slick, shining falsely in the orangish light of old lamps. Crickets come from cool, dark green grass to here perhaps attracted by the space and shade. How terrible, I thought. How terrible to make a home in an unfriendly land.

Having that thought stunned me. As I stuffed clothing into the washer, I considered the apathy I harbor for insects and animals in general. I know that tomorrow I won't hesitate to kill a cricket that enters my room. I won't chase my cats away from a cricket that they're playing with. I won't always eat eggs from free-range chickens. I won't stop on the freeway to pull a deer's dead body from the line of traffic. I won't crusade for a pit bull's right to live. I won't be able to stop people from poisoning cats in the Westerlee apartment complex or help that three legged squirrel that lives in the tree across the street. I know and accept the truth that I won't change anything, almost as I accept that I will go another three weeks without treading through the basement after this laundry day. Is that why I have my apathy? To deal with my guilt? Or are animals and insects not important enough to inspire a constant stream of empathy? Or is it really just that I have the apathetic gene and that's how the world has to be?

One of the biggest challenges my generation faces is apathy. Think about it. How vocal has the youth of the United States been over the past thirty years? The media tells me how I should act and the government tells me how I am acting and the schools tell me it's not my fault because I need to be taught to act. Half of my childhood was spent in the proverbial waiting room, holding out for an appointment with purpose. While I was there, I was stuck reading ancient magazines about protestors and activists who aren't present in my world. Maybe I just need to grow some balls and get out there, but when I look around at the people who went through the 60's and 70's--some of the most tumultous times in U.S. History--they aren't giving me any examples to live by. I'm not talking about the highlights from local news or historical figures. I'm talking about the everyday citizens who were my age in that era. Where's their courage? Where's their talk of change? How can I presume to change the world when a generation of enthusiasts and rebels can't get themselves out of their armchairs? And how can I sit and be taught by these people and be expected to change the world?

Maybe I'm being cynical and irresponsible, but America is not looking like a friendly land for the young. The economy is on fire, in a bad way. The people who are supposed to fix it can't seem to get a meaningful word across on CNN, much less in Congress. We don't own substantial property. We don't have a lot of money. We lack political influence, if only because we're expected by everyone not to show up to vote. A lot of people my age can't find a job. A lot of people a few years younger than me can't find the worth in finishing school. It's too expensive or they can get better opportunities working full-time at a job they hate. I don't think it's necessarily laziness that is immobilizing the youth, but a lack of inspiration. A lack of that emotion that made me pause by an insect in my basement.

As I write this, I'm listening to John Mayer's Waiting On The World To Change. In the opening he says:

"Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it"

And then:

"It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair"

I'm reminded of a failed chapter I tried to write for a project in my Autobiography class. In it, I was trying to explain why going to New York to protest the war in Iraq both inspired and defeated me in the same set of hours. When I later submitted that chapter to Bill Roorbach, a writer visiting Ithaca College as part of its Distinguishing Writers series. I was in his Masterclass. He said that I sounded bitter and somewhat mean when he read it and he was surprised to meet me and learn that I was actually a nice person. I was surprised too. That wasn't how I wanted to come across in my writing, especially in painting a portrait of myself. It wasn't until I re-read (and subsequently burnt) the chapter that I realized how frustrated I was with the protest and the overwhelming feeling of despair that followed months afterward.

There were likely around 500,000 people at that protest on February 15th, 2003. I still have a picture a little girl took with my disposable camera. She was sitting on the shoulders of her father and held it up over her head. She took a picture of the street, packed with people and homemade signs for as far as the eye could see. We had come late to the protest and were off toward the backend that was re-directed away from the United Nations building by police barricades. We didn't get to see the speakers at the protest, but shopowners and residents of the streets we walked down had boomboxes propped up on cars and window sills. They blasted the speeches down the street, mixing their audio with the chants and songs of those of us on the ground, blindly tossing out our beliefs to anyone who would pay attention. It was the most exhilirating, beautiful, massive thing I've been a part of outside of singing in a Mozart mass. I was sure that something that huge would have to have some visible effect. I was sure I was making some sort of difference. I didn't have a hand-painted sign, but I was out there shouting and stomping and talking with people who felt the same way. There was a wrong and we wanted to right it.

When we (I and the group of students who'd graciously let me tag along) drove back to Ithaca from NYC, we turned on the radio. The guy driving flipped from station to station. We hit a few news reports, but none of them talked about the protests in New York or D.C.. When the protest was mentioned, they grossly underestimated the numbers, which fluctuated between 10,000 and 200,000. The official estimate now is 300,000-400,000, but even the organizations who gave those numbers admit there were likely more people there than they guessed. There was only one radio station in New York giving full coverage on the protest. Only one. When I got back to Ithaca and began searching the media for news on the protest, there were only snippets. The lengthiest articles talked mostly about the anti-protest protestors who only numbered in the hundreds. It felt like protesting meant damning the military at that time. The media didn't want to be percieved as unpatriotic. The more I searched for the impact of the protest the more frustrated I became. People either missed the message or misinterpreted it completely. I felt like a patriotic person standing in a sea of red, white and blue idiots.

The war in Iraq has gone on for about five years now and there are people who want it to go on longer and longer. This sort of talk is okay, somehow, as our economy groans and our gas shoots up higher and higher. It's Vietnam without the draft...and the dedicated activists. No one seems to want to protest any more. You don't see people getting arrested for pouring pig's blood on the steps of a courthouse. You don't see 500,000 people blocking up traffic in New York. Why is that? Has the issue turned into a cricket that we can walk past until we have to pause and give our lives the routine cleaning? Is the fight really so unfair now that it doesn't matter?

I look at the upcoming election and feel that way. I feel like the politicians look at us as crickets, worth feeling sympathy for only when they need our vote. Wouldn't it be great if they needed our approval to stay in office all the time? If that percentage dropped and they had to fear for their jobs right then? Just like real people?

I don't want to live in an unfriendly land any more. I don't want to be apathetic or feel like I'll be poisoned for finding a way out. And I don't want to be crippled by a group of men who take pleasure in seeing us all spin our questions in circles, not having to take the responsibility to answer any of them. Maybe the answer to all of this isn't accepting apathy, but accepting the fear. It's not going to go away. Things have to be risked to get the change. I can't be afraid of not having an effect, of not getting what I want. Protests might not make it to CNN, letters to the editor might get canned before the editor ever sees them, but that doesn't make action irrelevant. I need to take action for myself. And not just in the political realm. There's nothing worse than sitting in a room, immobile, because I don't think I can do something. I've spent a lot of time in one place, in one routine because I don't think I'm ready or I don't think I'll succeed. That's not important, though. What's important is that when you feel passionate about something or someone, you keep that passion. Dreams won't get you out of bed. Dreams aren't fierce. Feeling is what inspired me to write four pages. It's what always inspires me. There's little else worth writing about, after all.

I should pause more often for the dead crickets and jump less at the ones that are still moving. I don't know if I can overcome my fear. But maybe I can live with it.

less_than_sane @ 2008-09-13T18:32:00

2008-09-13T22:41:03Z

So there is a lot I've been meaning to put in my LJ recently and just haven't. There are a lot of reasons for this -- my store is a wreck, it's September and Halloween madness has started, my house is a crazy place and lastly, I think I'm sick. I don't know what I'm sick with or why, but I'm going to the doctor on Monday because it's bugging me enough to distract me. My mom thinks I probably have an inner ear infection or something, but I've been having consistent problems with dizzyness lately. It went away for like a week and then started bothering me again. I'm kind of hoping for ear infection and not something else. I'm not the healthiest person on the globe, but I've never really had any super serious medical issues and don't want to start.

It could also be related to stress. That's always possible, but I don't know. Dizzyness is kind of a weird side effect for that.

I'm going to try to write something meaningful in here soon. It's just hard to focus right now. That was my point...before I started rambling.

less_than_sane @ 2008-09-03T21:32:00

2008-09-04T01:50:30Z

counting tracks down along
old forest trails over-grown
with poisonous leaves, snakes--
they are hard to see but i step
on the iron and feel the metal
through each sole, bites
i was scared with will
be hard to come by thanks
to my sharp eye.

memeage

2008-08-29T02:07:54Z

One word that describes your personality: Adaptable. Weird, right? Maybe I should have put "weird"...
What's one thing about you people wouldn't expect?: I cuss like a sailor and roll like a gangsta!
What is a name that you think you'd like to have?: Her Royal Imperial Awesomeness Meg.
If you could have a secret talent, what would it be?: Teleportation. Do you know how much money I'd save if I didn't have to have a car?!
Do you think you could ever decide a tattoo design if you chose to get one?: Only if I wanted to draw a stick person on my ass.
Are you a conformist or a nonconformist?: Well I like to think of myself as nonconformist. But sometimes it's fun to be conformist too. Let's just say I'm a little of both because I'm too indecisive.
Do you prefer to dance in bright lights or near darkness?: I think if I danced in near darkness, I'd trip over something and kill myself. So let's go with bright lights.
What is the biggest age difference between you and someone you've kissed?: Eight months. Yeah. Lame.
Have you ever had a crush on someone "too young" for you?: Nope.
Do you have a posse of friends at school?: I used to have a posse of friends. And then I stopped doing music and became a black sheep. Baaaaaaa.
Has a teacher ever seen you dance even remotely dirtily?: Uh. No. God I hope no one would see me if I attempted to dance dirty. I'd never live it down. o.o
Would you want to have sex with or without music?: Without, for sure. Unless the other person was like. Making farm animal sounds. Then I might want to drown that out lol.
Do you shave your legs more than once a week?: I shave my legs everyday. I wish I lived in a world where I could get away with once a week!
Do people say that you're hot?: Only when I'm really red from lifting boxes. But then they mean it literally!
Is your weight one of your personal worries?: Sometimes. When I'm being a moody woman. Or I think I'm in one of those phases where I'm convinced I'll die of some rare disease. Maybe I should change the first question's answer to "weird"...
How far would you go with the hottest guy you know?: It's all about circumstances. And...none yo business! LOL
Would you rather die by being shot or being burned alive?: I'd take a bullet over the stake anyday!
Are you really tech savvy?: About some things I am. I'm usually good if I do some research. Or learn through trial and error by pressing a lot of buttons! :D
What's your favorite cereal?: Life
What breakfast-y smell would you love to wake up in the morning to?: PANCAKES. And bacon. MMmmmmmmmmmmmmm bacon. Oh and coffee. Coffee smell is awesome.
Do you have a Nikon Coolpix?: Nah. I have a fucking awesome Sony DSLR.
What's your favorite Disney movie?: Sleeping Beauty. Fo shizzle.
Are you Patriotic?: When my country isn't run by asshats I can be.
Ever worn Applebottom Jeans?: I've thought about it, but they're expensive!
Do you like to laugh at the people who work in the haunted houses?: Not really. They usually scare and laugh at me.
Your sixteenth birthday party, what was it like?: Kind of sad. But the people I cared about showed up, so that was good.
Are you older or younger than your best friend?: I don't have one. So N/A!!
What's worse, Hannah Montana or High School Musical?: God. They're both bad, but I think High School Musical. Preppy singing teens pretending to be able to act well make me want to shoot Disney in the face.
What's your favorite energy drink?: I can't drink them because they make me crazy. >.>
What is one movie that you are absolutely dying to see?: Quantum of Solace!!!!!!
What phrase do you use entirely too much, but love it anyways?: "It's all good in the hood." BWAHAHA
Where do you go to get the best pizza in the world?: Sorrentos. Mm.
Do you know what the phrase "that's what she said" means?: Random, but yes.
Have you ever been told to STFU?: Yes, but for the record, I'm usually the one saying STFU around here.
What video game would you have loved to design?: Duck Hunt. LOL.
Do you have a better calculator than other people?: No. I burned mine after my junior year of high school and never looked back.
Ever seen a movie and then wanted your money back?: Nope. I'm usually good at picking decent movies.
Do you think we should pull out of the war in Iraq?: Yeah. That part of the world is fucked anyway, even if we try to help.
Have you ever begun or participated in a mosh pit?: Not by choice. And most of the time, I was dodging!
What would you rather have: a puppy, or a kitten?: KITTY!!!!!!!
Have you ever wanted to slap a girl in the face?: Yes. I'd make a list, but it would mean nothing to all of you.
Who was your first crush, and did it ever turn into anything?: The first trumpet player in middle school honor band. And no. I never said a thing to him. Ever. It was probably a good thing, since he grew up to be a drug dealer. o.o
What is one movie you can watch over and over and never get tired of?: The Incredibles.
What shoes would you rather wear, Converse or Vans?: Vans. Yeah.
Do you still have your V-card?: Valentine's Day card? Voters Registration card? Vagina Card? I don't know what a V-card is...
What's one dream that you have never forgotten?: I dreamt that a scary, skeletal old man with a weird black umbrella was walking around, killing young children in very violent ways right in front of me. And I couldn't do anything about it.
Any regrets that you'd want to change, if given the chance?: Not going into English or creative writing after high school.
Are you a risk taker?: Sometimes. If I can be decisive enough to take a risk.
Is your room clean?: It's on the verge of being unclean. I blame this on the furniture moves I'm making.
What was the last movie you saw in theater and with whom?: Tropic Thunder with myself. And yes. I laughed obnoxiously loud too. Ha!
Do you secretly like someone?: Maybe. :D
Why did your last relationship end?: Because it wasn't a real relationship and he didn't like me being honest.
Where is the furthest place you've traveled?: Seattle!
What jewelry do you wear all the time?: My amber cross.
Do you prefer Myspace or Facebook?: Facebook. Fo sho.
Do you have a favorite item of clothing?: Right now it's my grey Gap sweater. I'm sure that will change though!
Is there a quote you live by?: No, but there's one that I've been running with a lot lately. "A woman is like a tea bag -- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." - Eleanor Roosevelt

less_than_sane @ 2008-08-25T17:54:00

2008-08-25T22:21:29Z

So I've been sort of half-assed on a lot of things lately -- my room make-over, my writing, my correspondances, my finances... I feel like I'm doing things but I'm still just barely treading water. I imagine this will only get worse as I dive into September since work is slowly becoming more and more consuming. I feel the same way there that I do at home. We're on schedule, but behind enough that I'm getting pressure put on me consistently. I'm juggling a lot of responsibilities again. I'm hoping that I can keep my sanity this time. I feel like this Halloween will be a little easier than the last in that I have a better idea of what to do, but harder in terms of management staff. I don't think our other assistant is reliable at all and I think that when things start to go wrong, Chris will begin using me as a scapegoat again.

I didn't really think I was becoming stressed until I looked at my writing journal the other day and realized I was only writing in fragments. When I'm stressed I become scattered and unable to collect my thoughts in the same way I can when I'm a bit more zen. I have three half-finished poems sitting in there and single lines to God knows what. I suppose it's good that I'm still writing, despite everything, but I feel like if I'm going to really consider myself a "poet" I have to become more consistent. And I have to start using traditional forms a little more.

I don't think I've considered traditional forms very often. I make up my own forms from time to time, but in general writing a pantoum or sonnet takes a lot of effort from me. I feel like form controls me too much, that I start tailoring my thoughts to suit it, and I don't think that's the intention of using poetic structures. They should be used to illustrate the thought, not control it. I'm very bad at realizing that in my writing. If I am going to get a masters degree and maybe teach at a college level, I need to become better at writing with forms and meters. I can do it, it's just a matter of figuring out that way of thinking. I guess I need to add more readings to my list... o.o

My pile of poetry books is becoming a little smaller. I don't feel like I retain as much as I should, so I'll probably have to go back and re-read some of it, but at least I can say I'm finishing them. I have some recordings of different poems sitting on my laptop, but I think I might re-do some of them on Sunday. Hopefully I'll be able to catch the house at a quiet moment in order to do that. It's difficult to record poetry with toddlers screaming and running around the halls. I love my nieces and nephew, but geez. They make it impossible for me sometimes.

I don't know how faithful I will be to my journal or online time in the weeks ahead, but I'm going to try to be around. I hate falling off the face of the earth and want to hold that off as much as I can.

less_than_sane @ 2008-08-14T16:20:00

2008-08-14T20:30:43Z

I bought new bras yesterday and they are fantastic. They're so comfy. I used to just go to Target and get some cheap ones, but maybe the $40 I pay at the mall really is worth it!

In other and less personal news, I should probably attempt to live without coffee for the rest of the week. My staff thought I was on crack this morning and I had to reassure them that no, no it was just Starbucks. Not only that but I feel really weird after I start consistently drinking caffeine after a long time without.

What else, what else... oh yeah. My left eyelid is puffy! Ick! And my eye feels dry. I'm trying not to touch it. I have no idea why it's this way. I have a history of weird eye problems, but they usually go away on their own. I've found the doctor either tells me to put a warm compress on it or threatens to cut something out...so it's worth waiting to see if I can make it better on my own. The puffiness has improved today, I don't look like a mutant any more. I'm hoping this doesn't turn out to be one of those annoying stys that come and go. I've been about a year without having one, but last year I suspected they have something to do with allergies. The doctor told me once that my eyes might just be walling all the yucky up to keep it from interfering with my eye...of course he explained it in more adult terms. I tend to sneeze a lot throughout the beginning of autumn. Maybe it's hitting me early this year.

Oh well. That's my life. Interesting, I know.